Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect those of Guardian Media Ltd. This was written for entertainment purposes without the intention of hurting/attacking anyone.
I have to admit it: This whole issue regarding the ban on certain adult novelty items bothers me. Adult toys are possibly the greatest invention (especially for a Cougar, like myself. They come in quite handy when you simply cannot get enough from the fledgling you have been dating).
So what am I supposed to do with the many 8-to-12-inch “adult novelty items” I have already? Burn it? Bury it? Keep it up there? Now that I think about it, that sounds like a great idea. I will just give the remote control to my newest fledgling. So if you see us walking down Frederick Street and I drop to my knees in sweet ecstasy, just blame it on the ‘vibrations’ of the sweet street music.
Conservative people might feel more comfortable ignoring that these “adult novelty items” hold a very important social function. That’s a problem. First of all, many may think they’re made exclusively for women but that is untrue. Some are made for men, while others are designed for couples to use together in the privacy of their bedroom, bathroom, floor, kitchen or wherever. If a man’s partner simply cannot rock his world, wouldn’t he try to get some rocking elsewhere?
Some men are not so easy on the eyes and are unsociable so finding a woman willing to rock their world would be close to impossible unless they are able (and willing) to cough up a lot of cash. His next best option? Buy himself some time with a prostitute (which is illegal by the way, and she will no doubt carry more diseases than a used “adult novelty item”) or take advantage of the innocent out of sheer frustration.
So enforcing a ban on sex toys will technically and ultimately create more criminals.
In addition, many men pride themselves on being a ‘sexpert’ that’s ‘macho’—a stallion in bed—but in fact, they are clueless and leave their women hanging, like clothing on a line left out to dry in the sun. They simply do not understand that “the act” is not just about penetration. Would a man want his main squeeze to go out and cheat on him? Of course not. Men simply don’t handle betrayal well—especially when he betrays his woman and least expects her to give him a taste of his own bitter medicine in return.
Whatever argument is offered, nobody can dispute the fact that “adult novelty items” offer up many health benefits. By using toys, women learn more about their bodies and their needs (you know, like what turns them on and what does not). How can you [a woman] expect someone else to find your G-spot, if you cannot even identify it yourself?
So when news broke with the enforcement of the ban, the nation’s thoughts ran wild. While many began contemplating whether or not to use an “adult novelty toy”, I started wondering what the Customs and Excise Division would do with the many items they seize? I pray that they use them just as they do with other seized goods. Maybe that is exactly what they’ve been lacking in their lives. Maybe they will learn how to smile and be pleasant with travellers. It makes sense, though. Once they let their ‘animal’ attitude loose in the privacy of their bedrooms—or even a private room at the airport—they will not bring that “animal” behaviour to the public.
My sexuality and how I get my freak on is my business. So even if my “adult novelty items” become worn out or damaged from overuse (which should happen by the end of the month), I will not give up on having a good time in my bedroom. And neither should you. Sorry, not sorry.
How will you discover who Cougarliciously Good truly is? Well, just look out for me at the supermarket with these items in my cart: a big candle, carrots, eggplants, cucumbers and a carving knife. To the women who are not afraid to explore and create some excitement in the bedroom, what can I say? Happy shopping!
By Cougarliciously Good